I remember your old Medium profile picture. You were wearing a fedora with your checkered shirt and hoodie and rectangular glasses. You looked adorable and I wish I’d saved that picture before you changed it to your current side-profile photo with your roundish glasses and AirPods. It still looked good, of course, but the previous picture speaks of a time of smiles.
It goes against my code of ethics to save and use selfies of people without their direct consent or notification that I’m going to do it. By the time I wanted to save it, we were already on non-speaking terms so that time’s up.
You just told me that you had split with your boyfriend. Even when you’re single and I’m open to talking again, you still didn’t choose to go back to me. I think that speaks volume and it is deafening to the point that all I can hear is ringing and your face speaking at me. Of course, I can’t ever be sure if you are talking to me or not since my eardrums were blown.
You always told me that, after all the times you’ve gone back to Tinder, you always found me and we always matched. Last time I went back, I found Fizz but we didn’t match like we used to in the past.
I’m sure you have no interest in seeing me before I leave Indonesia for good. No point in trying to convince you otherwise. You’ve made it loud and clear that you have no further intentions with me. But I’m still here, hoping but never waiting.
Right now, my head hurts and my heart is heavy. All I needed right now is a shoulder to lie on. If it can’t be you, then god I wish someone can lend me one.
"dia buat saya bahagia bukan karena dia SEMPURNA tapi justru cuma dengan keberadaannya, dia bisa membuat saya lupa tentang jahatnya dunia dan itu aja udah cukup… keberadaannya. Kebahagian saya…”
“They didn’t make me happy because they were perfect but by just their presence, they can make me forget how evil the world is and that’s already enough. [Their] presence. My happiness…”
Time to move forward.
Right now, I’m moving forward not moving on. The few times I’ve contacted you have been pleas for your time and attention, but worry not that I will move forward away from you. I am moving away from you. To The Netherlands. But right now, I’m still in the running chase that I’ve had in my dreams. I will continue to run with everything I have. Bandung’s going to break my heart (again) but not like how Amsterdam will when I found out that there will never be a next time. Whatever the next few months have in store, do keep your eye open for one last care package from me.
If you have it in you to send me that old Medium profile of yours, then just know that I will send you my thank from the very bottom of my heart.
Time — it passes.
“Jangan sekali-kali menanggung beban sendirian. Karena beban terkadang lebih ringan jika diceritakan.” — kamu
“Never carry the burden alone. Because the burden is sometimes lighter when told.” — you