Running and Dreaming

I just had a dream about you. I’m going to write this like a memory dump because I can’t afford to lose it before I forget. I hope you’ll read it all the way to the end.

We were in my old bedroom at my old house in Muaither, Qatar (weird because you don’t even know what it looked like). We were just enjoying each other’s company and nothing more. All of a sudden, we heard that my parents came back early and you jumped out of my window (weird but funny). Both my parents came into my room and we were just talking. I don’t remember much of it but it was a heartwarming conversation nonetheless. Then, I checked my phone and realised that I can’t find you on any of the socials anymore. I decided to quickly jump out of bed and go out to find you — turns out you’re still at the end of my street. When you saw me, you have that deer-in-the-headlight look in you eyes and sprinted away from me. I didn’t know why but you ran away from me as soon as you saw me. My instinct was to chase you but it’s always a recurring thing in my dreams to not be able to run despite feeling like I am running. As the distance between us grew, I stopped, dropped to the ground, gathered myself and sprinted like hell. The images that I had when I was running was primary school me running hurdles during sports day combined with secondary school me playing rugby tackles with my classmates — I needed to get to you and I put my mindset back into the time when I felt the most accomplished, alive and wholesome. I chased you like hell in the middle of a deserted, barren ground (there was a huge, sandy plot in front of my house) and the distance between us grew smaller and smaller, and then I tackled you to the ground. Gently, of course. You were fighting me away and I was just there bracing myself and not let you go from my embrace. And then you started crying and then said “please,” while you embrace back the hug I gave you. We were still on the ground when I woke up. I wonder what happened next?

Since we donated blood at the same time, I know that you’re legible to donate again on Thursday just like me. And because of our schedule, it’s likely that you’ll go on the Saturday of that week to donate too. I’m going to go donate blood at the usual place on Saturday at 10 AM. For the love of god, please don’t show up at the same time and place as me if you know you can’t bring yourself to have a proper, human conversation with me. My bones are still weak from months of grieving and seeing you at the same place and time knowing that you’re untouchable, unspeakable and unreachable is going to wreck me even more. I’m not asking you to talk to me, I’m asking you to be human.

P.S. I realised that my main love language is physical presence and physical touch. I’m just saying this because my dream showed me that I should’ve lingered at your touch for longer and be more brave to go out with you more.