Goldfish

I told myself to give two weeks to just not think of you whilst I figure myself out and the fuck-ups I’ve done to sabotage what’s left between us. Yet, here I am fucking shit up once again. It’s not like I can reach out to you anymore.

For months, I’ve been trying to think back on how I’ve moved on from my past lovers. It has always been the same cycle of forgetting and remembering it once I’m past the point of reconvening. But now, I finally figured out how I did it and why it’ll be different this time.

I remember what happened with this person I went out with — the one that ended up moving to my new university in Depok with. They told me that they found someone else and to not be mad at them for having done so. I approached it with maturity but it was still hard on me. However, I bit my tongue every time they came to mind and I tried my best to cement the desired distance between the two of us.

We message our reaction to each other’s posts here and there and that was all. It sucked a lot of times but biting my tongue has assured them in my ability to stay as friends. Hey, we took it slow from there as friends and as the communication between us grow, we assured each other that we’re better off as friends more than anything else.

I wish I remembered this before I fucked things up for the two of us.

But damn. I saw your name on my LinkedIn timeline and, yes, it damn well made me uncomfortable — just like it did for you on Instagram. It’s only been three days since you blocked me and it felt like a month has passed. It’s overwhelming and I should’ve been more empathetic about it all — we were going through it together, right?

So, yes. I will forever wonder how you’re doing, but I will bite my tongue just to keep the peace we desperately need from each other. It wasn’t my intention to fuck another shit up, but fuck intentions. Things don’t need to be intentional for it to hurt.

God, please give me the strength to bite my tongue and give the both of us the peace we desperately need from each other.

Let’s hope we become better people to each other in a year’s time

https://music.apple.com/id/album/conrad/1163838307?i=1163838468